June 2012
21 posts
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Things that don't work:
Not getting out of bed.
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Of age.
I would like to stop looking at my actions through the lens of innocence, discovery, and naivete. I am woman and everything I do roars.
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“Life was unendurable, and yet everywhere it was endured.”
– Lorrie Moore
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“I just can’t self-consciously write about my Feelings about this anymore....”
– Jane Hu
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Is it a very female thing to think that someone loving you will somehow resolve many of the evils of yourself, that being lost can be solved by love, that love is being found? Do men feel this way? Do you? Do men seek women that are messes? Do they hope to clean them up? Does anyone want the uncertain? Confidence is sexy, but what is confusion? Is it unsexy? Are the best loves the sexy ones? Is it...
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Rejection
- He’s such an enigma to me. I just want to know what he wants and then become that.
-I’m giving it my all, but I’m not the girl you’re taking home. I keep dancing on my own.
-Just this today.
-It’s totally normal that I talk about my art as if it’s a romantic relationship.
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You are allowed to learn from the things you have never done before and determine whether they should ever be done again.
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“So you’re in New York to become an intellectual and you realize everyone...”
– Jane Hu
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The Poorest Art
Part I
Part II
Part III
*The most important things
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Keeping in rhythm with my usual mode of mental health; at the moment a great disappearing spell overtakes me I am expected to be looked at most severely.
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“Later I would come to believe that erotic ties were all a spell, a temporary...”
– Lorrie Moore
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Isn't anything but what it is.
There are a lot of things I would like to ask you, ask anyone really, that do not currently fit into our usual discourse. I don’t know where I get the idea that I have something to lose here, I have nothing, so certainly you can’t take anything away. It is you that has everything to lose, but your words come to me with so little latched onto them. They don’t carry the heft of...
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No time to bide.
It will be fine. Whether this is the beginning of the rest of your life or merely a holding place on your way there or even a hiccup in the progression of time, you will be fine. But it is best to do what it takes to get what you want and that includes deserving it.
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“I felt at times as if I was hovering just above myself, watching the mediocrity...”
– Josh Ritter
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You built me into this girl I am definitely not sure of based on one poorly written line. There are so many improbabilities in that one idea. We are really just throwing fantasy at each other here.
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“It was my life - like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very...”
– Cheryl Strayed
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Hello June
And I know once, maybe it was last June, maybe it was two Junes ago, I sent you the quote by Anne Sexton about it being June and about how I was tired of being brave, but I’m not tired this time. This June I’m brave. My heart feels shrunken, but solid. My soul feels jagged, but stable. And I know better than to say that this time it is different, but maybe it is because brave is a...
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Just Sex
Hearing from him makes me want to vomit. It used to make me queasy with possibility, but now it makes me sick for everything it is not or for all the ways I don’t know how to help it evolve or for how I feel I’m doing everything wrong or for how I don’t know him enough.
This was my foray into sex, not love. The hardest part of walking away from a good sexual partner is losing...
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“That’s what fathers do if they don’t heal their wounds. They wound...”
– Cheryl Strayed
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My equilibrium is off. I do things half-way. The things people value and get excited about, I do half-way. The things people believe more shameful, I go all in.
