February 2012
22 posts
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It seems unfair that I am unable to dissect my memory of you into millions of vivid segments. I want to remember all the places my body was touched and in what order and what it felt like when it was your tongue or the pad of your finger. I should be able to lie here and relive that evening like a fully sensory, unedited, film strip, especially since all I have for now is memory.
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They refuse to listen to me give glamor to my depression. They refuse to think me noble for doing the things that make me happy.
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I didn’t expect it to unravel so quickly. Here’s to winding it back up again.
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“A Sad Child
You’re sad because you’re sad.
It’s psychic. It’s the age. It’s...”
– Margaret Atwood
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The dreams.
1. Dance season upon season for the Trisha Brown Company.
2. Write for the Village Voice and publish a memoir.
3. Open a cafe in Greenwich Village that becomes a bar with vegan bar snacks in the evenings.
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I waited. I waited for you to see me and see me again. I saw you see me. I saw you see me without ever catching your eyes. I waited until you had hugged each girl that approached you goodbye. I talked with the guys I can always count on to hit on me. I danced in place. I hugged happy friends. I waited for you to walk past me into the next room and perch yourself at the end of the table in there,...
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How to nap.
Curl up on top of your comforter, your thoughtfully stacked accent pillows just above your head, and unfold the extra blanket at the end of your bed halfway to cover yourself.
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I'm sorry you don't understand.
I wrote that way because it was scary and it felt real, but if it is inappropriate, I can write differently. I don’t see what the point of talking about yesterday is when we are talking about today. I did better today and I will do better still tomorrow and to me that is all that matters.
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Toughen.
The dream is to be able to do everything on your own forever. Gather the sunbeams and start creating an existence you’re proud of inhabiting. You better start forging ahead and only taking yes for an answer. The more yeses you get, the more you’ll know what you want. The naysayers don’t deliver, but manage to keep you up until 4:30a.m. sitting quietly in your apartment, whiskey bottle in hand,...
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“You cannot save people, you can only love them.”
– Anais Nin
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Electra
I need to stop obsessing over (creative, successful, smart) men my father’s age.
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On not having fun.
I was right about not wanting to be here. I was also right about having to finish. I don’t know how to account for my actions here. I don’t know how to explain the tears that swell up behind my eyes on Sunday mornings, knowing that if anyone pays me too much attention I’ll be weeping heavily before them. I don’t know how to explain walking home at 4 in the morning and giving the people I’m...
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“As if to build a fence around the fatal emptiness inside her, she had to create...”
– Haruki Murakami
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“We all have to be delusional on our own behalf. We have to believe in ourselves...”
– my father
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Cool Kids
You bring out the oddest competitiveness in me. I come to you, but I wait outside. I take your hand, but I tell you to go. I don’t trust you and I don’t want to rejoice in you. Being kind to you feels like a trick so I am not kind. I am snide and I look to be less intrigued by you. We are both stuck here, aren’t we, but you have an intact safety net and I’ve ripped wide...
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“Though I’ve never been a romantic, never fantasized about weddings or marriages...”
– Nightmare Brunette
No fucks to give.
Me: It's ok though because I'm shameless.
Her: Oh, I would be embarrassed.
