Floundering a little, crying softly,
Like somebody searching for somebody drowning
In dark water
Listening for them - in panic at losing
Those listening seconds from your searching -
Then dancing wilder in the darkness.” —Ted Hughes
It is unclear how I got here and why I am here and whose decision it was to have me here, but somehow I am commited (have been commited) to four more months (a final four months) here and we are all very hopeful it culminates in something fairly neat and prescribed.
We are only ever alone, by which I mean, I am only ever alone, for what we could there be in this half empty bed?
The answers I didn’t have last night did not show themselves this morning.
The conviction I didn’t have last night did not surface this morning.
The hope I didn’t have last night was still not found this morning.
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Each time, after I remove myself from your bed, after I fumble with the lock on your front door, after I stumble myself down the steep staircase, I think about how I want to have sex with you again, about how it can be more exciting still than the last, about how every time should reach the heights of that one time. This must have to do with the newness. It must have to do with how, even though all I want to do is have sex with you, decorum states that we not spend every night together, because then this would be undeniably something, and we’re doing nothing.
I’m not determining who I am very easily. Not who I will be or want to be, that has some kind of certain eventual-ness, but who I am now. How to fill my days in some defining way. How to connect this person to that eventual one. If you loved me it would be more easily determined. I would be someone. I would be the person you loved.
I’m holding tight to this subject of mine and all her singular stagnating obsessions. Rearranging them, pressing and extruding them, believing that with further examination this subject may better resemble the object.
I want all of that you posses to be mine too. I want all of that you share with others to be just mine in the evening.