We speak of men with such angst. We run the full gamut of emotions. We are angry, disillusioned, confused, sad, excited, wanting. We are not apathetic. We are never apathetic. We listen to our friend’s urges and say it doesn’t matter, that we just don’t think it’s smart to care that much. And it’s not smart and maybe we don’t care about this particular man, but we do care greatly about this idea of being unloved. Can the world break your heart? Can the universe? What is it to feel constantly heartbroken if you heart has never been attended to? I’m having more men than both of you. I’m feeling nothing, seeing nothing, hoping to get laid well, but not certain or convinced of anything else. The way I have casual sex and toss the idea of each man I encounter aside is more about my rawness and disbelief than anything else. The way you get upset after casual hookups and wait, more often than not, until you have a reason to believe in him is more proof of your worth and character than anything else.
More than anything it is probably that I don’t know what I want, but that I am very guarded about my wanting and stubborn in my belief that, should I ever have it, I’ll know, I’ll change.
There is the person you are and there is the person you want to be and that gap can be hard to reconcile, but the more you believe in and trust the person you are, the more the two identities begin to meld.
In things I say over and over again, we have, “I do what I want,” but I wonder why I feel this excuses me from doing everything else. Who is this person who does whatever she wants? What does admitting so say about her? I want to be untouchable. I want to say don’t worry you wont be able to love me. Don’t worry I don’t care about your judgment. Don’t worry I’ll disappear every time. Don’t worry I won’t make sacrifices for you. Don’t worry I live life on my terms and as sorry as I am that people still care for me in spite of this and that they still try to build bridges for me when I want to jump off the cliff, it doesn’t change me. I am still the girl that forges ahead blindly in a way that is unclear to everyone and I am still the girl that will apologize without really meaning it and I will still hope you love me even though I know that such love would do no one any good. And in that ambiguous place between structure and freedom is where my life plays out.