February 2012
20 posts
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They refuse to listen to me give glamor to my depression. They refuse to think me noble for doing the things that make me happy.
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I didn’t expect it to unravel so quickly. Here’s to winding it back up again.
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“A Sad Child
You’re sad because you’re sad.
It’s psychic. It’s the age. It’s...”
– Margaret Atwood
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The dreams.
1. Dance season upon season for the Trisha Brown Company.
2. Write for the Village Voice and publish a memoir.
3. Open a cafe in Greenwich Village that becomes a bar with vegan bar snacks in the evenings.
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I waited. I waited for you to see me and see me again. I saw you see me. I saw you see me without ever catching your eyes. I waited until you had hugged each girl that approached you goodbye. I talked with the guys I can always count on to hit on me. I danced in place. I hugged happy friends. I waited for you to walk past me into the next room and perch yourself at the end of the table in there,...
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How to nap.
Curl up on top of your comforter, your thoughtfully stacked accent pillows just above your head, and unfold the extra blanket at the end of your bed halfway to cover yourself.
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I'm sorry you don't understand.
I wrote that way because it was scary and it felt real, but if it is inappropriate, I can write differently. I don’t see what the point of talking about yesterday is when we are talking about today. I did better today and I will do better still tomorrow and to me that is all that matters.
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Toughen.
The dream is to be able to do everything on your own forever. Gather the sunbeams and start creating an existence you’re proud of inhabiting. You better start forging ahead and only taking yes for an answer. The more yeses you get, the more you’ll know what you want. The naysayers don’t deliver, but manage to keep you up until 4:30a.m. sitting quietly in your apartment, whiskey bottle in hand,...
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“You cannot save people, you can only love them.”
– Anais Nin
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Electra
I need to stop obsessing over (creative, successful, smart) men my father’s age.
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On not having fun.
I was right about not wanting to be here. I was also right about having to finish. I don’t know how to account for my actions here. I don’t know how to explain the tears that swell up behind my eyes on Sunday mornings, knowing that if anyone pays me too much attention I’ll be weeping heavily before them. I don’t know how to explain walking home at 4 in the morning and giving the people I’m...
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“As if to build a fence around the fatal emptiness inside her, she had to create...”
– Haruki Murakami
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“We all have to be delusional on our own behalf. We have to believe in ourselves...”
– my father
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Cool Kids
You bring out the oddest competitiveness in me. I come to you, but I wait outside. I take your hand, but I tell you to go. I don’t trust you and I don’t want to rejoice in you. Being kind to you feels like a trick so I am not kind. I am snide and I look to be less intrigued by you. We are both stuck here, aren’t we, but you have an intact safety net and I’ve ripped wide...
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“Though I’ve never been a romantic, never fantasized about weddings or marriages...”
– Nightmare Brunette
No fucks to give.
Me: It's ok though because I'm shameless.
Her: Oh, I would be embarrassed.
January 2012
15 posts
1 tag
“Searching for yourself, in the dark, as you danced,
Floundering a little,...”
– Ted Hughes
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“If you are desperate for a truth to hang on to, how ‘bout that we are not one...”
– Karen Koenig
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“I don’t want to express alienation. It isn’t what I feel. I’m...”
– Susan Sontag
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It is unclear how I got here and why I am here and whose decision it was to have me here, but somehow I am commited (have been commited) to four more months (a final four months) here and we are all very hopeful it culminates in something fairly neat and prescribed.
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We are only ever alone, by which I mean, I am only ever alone, for what we could there be in this half empty bed?
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“‘I always want to know the things one shouldn’t do.’...”
– Henry James
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Dawn
The answers I didn’t have last night did not show themselves this morning.
The conviction I didn’t have last night did not surface this morning.
The hope I didn’t have last night was still not found this morning.
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Things I should refrain from googling.
how to find a lost wallet in nyc
how to go to a bar alone
how to cook rice
calories in a tbsp of butter
best whiskey to use in whiskey sour
how to live
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Each time, after I remove myself from your bed, after I fumble with the lock on your front door, after I stumble myself down the steep staircase, I think about how I want to have sex with you again, about how it can be more exciting still than the last, about how every time should reach the heights of that one time. This must have to do with the newness. It must have to do with how, even though...
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The Act Of
I’m not determining who I am very easily. Not who I will be or want to be, that has some kind of certain eventual-ness, but who I am now. How to fill my days in some defining way. How to connect this person to that eventual one. If you loved me it would be more easily determined. I would be someone. I would be the person you loved.
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I’m holding tight to this subject of mine and all her singular stagnating obsessions. Rearranging them, pressing and extruding them, believing that with further examination this subject may better resemble the object.
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“They still visited Ireland in the summer. The girls would sit in the...”
– Ellen Copperfield on Anjelica Huston
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Falling in love with dancers.
I want all of that you posses to be mine too. I want all of that you share with others to be just mine in the evening.
December 2011
10 posts
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My heart is unattended.
We speak of men with such angst. We run the full gamut of emotions. We are angry, disillusioned, confused, sad, excited, wanting. We are not apathetic. We are never apathetic. We listen to our friend’s urges and say it doesn’t matter, that we just don’t think it’s smart to care that much. And it’s not smart and maybe we don’t care about this particular man, but we do care greatly about this idea...
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“…I think how kissing is a such an extravagance of nature. Like birdsong;...”
– Anne Enright
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More than anything it is probably that I don’t know what I want, but that I am very guarded about my wanting and stubborn in my belief that, should I ever have it, I’ll know, I’ll change.
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There is the person you are and there is the person you want to be and that gap can be hard to reconcile, but the more you believe in and trust the person you are, the more the two identities begin to meld.
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“The year closed with “Pina,” Wim Wenders’s documentary on Pina Bausch. Trying to...”
– Anthony Lane
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“I will say that learning how to write has to do in part with learning how to...”
– Frederick Seidel
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“You’re here. So be here, dear one. You’re okay with us for now.”
– Dear Sugar
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In things I say over and over again, we have, “I do what I want,” but I wonder why I feel this excuses me from doing everything else. Who is this person who does whatever she wants? What does admitting so say about her? I want to be untouchable. I want to say don’t worry you wont be able to love me. Don’t worry I don’t care about your judgment. Don’t worry I’ll disappear every time. Don’t worry I...
November 2011
19 posts
1 tag
On talent and forgiveness.
I wish I could write a book beautiful enough to justify breaking all of the hearts I’ve broken.
I wish I didn’t confuse talent with consistency and desirability.
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I am a shell of a person. There is nothing beating inside of me. Nothing rushing. Nothing banging up against the sides of my ribcage. There is too much space. Too much possibility to mistake me as hollow.
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You won’t love her. You won’t be able to. You will want her. You will want her in the evenings with a drink. You will dream about wild sex with her and, if you’re lucky, you will have it, but she can’t be loved. You’ll hate yourself for being unable to care about her more and there she will go, nodding out of you life without ever bowing into it. She will regard you...
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“Beauty is after all the only thing in the world that matters — not mental or...”
– Dawn Powell